Ich Bin Keine Goddess
by ThePhoenixEffect
Summary: Jean finds about Scott leaving her. This is her thoughts on this and the events leading up to it. *I changed it so that is now in first person*


Ich Bin Keine Goddess [1] By: ThePhoenixEffect  
  
*I changed the story so that it is in first person*  
  
Disclaimer: Marvel owns everything in my fic. While I believe Morrison has revived the series and added nice twists.I think he was a tad lacking in the feelings department by vagueness. It's pretty much up to the reader to determine what they are with what he gives you, which I like. So here's my take on Jean.  
  
Dedication: This fic is dedicated to Maria Cline. She inspired me to actually sit down and write with our discussions on the comic and her fics. Go read her X-men fics (especially her new ones.) and her DBZ fics if you are into that. Scott left me.  
  
I rushed into my room (no longer is it our room) yet I did not cry or breakdown. I telekinetically grabbed my favorite doll, a cute version of the mythical Cyclops, and hugged it dearly, close to my heart. Standing near the bed, the diamond wedding ring was taken off my finger, a symbol of our troubled marriage, and grasped it into my hand. Preparing to melt it and spiritually cut our bond forever, my hand glowed with fire and passion, yet my heart would not let me continue after separating the diamond from the ring. Once separated, the diamond fell onto the floor. I let the ring phase back on to my finger.  
  
I still love him. Nothing would change that. We've been through too much together! Yet it happened.  
  
Beast had recently chastised me about the whole thing, and I deserved it. The thing that bothered me was the fact that Beast could not look over his little crush on Emma to see that she was wrong too. I was so upset that Hank's crush seemed to take precedent over our long friendship, that is used that emotion to resurrect Emma before I did anything in anger. I'm not some heartless bitch like everyone thinks I am. In fact I poured all my emotions of being upset at all my "friends" into help her. They are all afraid of me.  
  
Yet it is their fear (and in a sense a lack of loyalty to me) that spawned itself. All of them are afraid of being close to me. Not even to offer a comforting shoulder that I'd give to them all those years of our friendship. I was the team's official "confidant" yet they now refuse to be one for me. Could they not just listen for half an hour? This is one of the main reasons I am now hiding behind their feared goddess persona.  
  
In a sense I now feel like a goddess. I'm above anger and loneliness. It was nice to leave humanity behind when you couldn't even share it with anyone.not even my own husband.  
  
On the basic level-I now am beginning to realize-I'm human. Even and especially during my goddess power radiating moments because emotion IS my power. I lack emotion during my own "normal" times because I try to use it all up when I use my powers. I now realize it was wrong of me to solely use my powers to unleash my emotions. It is not a substitute for talking to another human. (Yet who could blame me?)This was my fault. Fault is human. I'm human.  
  
While emotion is the source of my powers, I will never again let it take over me. I refuse to become the Dark Phoenix. It represents all that is wrong with the world, selfishness and power. The perfect goddess persona is another version of the surface yin that keeps the yang at bay. My friends have no reason to fear me.  
  
Yet why does Scott lust for Dark Phoenix yet refuses to let me love him? How can he lust and in a minor degree love that monster? The monster that is my dark side.  
  
It hit me. Scott was a "boy scout" all his life. The perfect model. Xavier practically held him on a leash all his life. The merger with Apocalypse changed all that. It didn't make Scott evil, but it changed his outlook on life, much like the Dark Phoenix could have had done to me. Yet I chose not to. I still hold the values in my heart true. Scott and I chose different paths when the opportunity came. One of the reasons I didn't turn out like Scott was because I wanted to make up for what my evil ancestor look alikes did. Scott just wants to be free. He liked being a bit selfish. He lusts for Dark Phoenix because he still loves me. I'm untouchable to him because I abhor the feelings associated with Dark Phoenix. The basic emotions Scott wants.  
  
No one else on the team likes that. They want him to return to his former self. Everyone except Emma. Emma loves Scott for who he is now. I could kick myself for not realizing this until now. While Emma didn't have to psychically have an affair, I could not blame her for truly loving Scott.  
  
I now know I still love Cyclops, yet I cannot love Scott.  
  
The doll fell on the diamond as I let go as I said, "I set you free."  
  
"Ich bin keine goddess."  
  
And I wept.  
  
[1] One of Hitler's most famous comments is "Ich bin ein German!" It means "I am a German!". Keine means nots. So basically the title means "I am not a Goddess". Creative title, huh? I couldn't think of anything else. I don't know German so feel free to correct me.I just used a web page translator and might have done it wrong.  
  
Author Notes: I'm still a major Jean and Scott fan! This is just how I interpret what is happening now in New X-men. I just think they need some time apart. Scott needs to find himself and what he wants. Jean needs to strengthen her independence. 


End file.
